RealTalk: Love - What is it?

I’ve been overwhelmed the past couple of days with the definition of love. Love is such a subjective concept and I call it a concept for that exact reason. As most of my friends and I are young adults, trying to find our way in the world, we sometimes can’t help thinking about our future life partners. Overwhelmed with hashtagged weddings, elaborately decorated celebrations, juxtaposed with the failed marriages that come to light soon after those grand events, these discussions come hand in hand with the discussion of love. What is it, and how does one maintain it?  

My mains and I have completely different ideas on love, relationships and how they should work. Seeing as we have all been raised by different people who have gone through their own life experiences, that is perfectly natural. Because we all have different opinions, it again highlights that there is no one way, or right way.

So what is love in the context of a relationship? In my opinion, love is the complete unconditional acceptance of another person. To give a few examples, you accept their strengths, weaknesses, flaws, fears, hopes and dreams.

I have realized that more often than not, we forget that people change over time, the man you love today might be completely different in the next few months, or next few years. Love dictates that you will accept him as he presents himself to you regardless of how he might have changed. The reason why we generally run into difficulty is that we get so used to a person being a certain way, that when they change you need to learn to accept them all over again. Not only that, but there might be tastes, values, opinions or personality traits you might not see coming. Further, you are going to have to realign those changes with your ‘self’, which also changes over time. In a sense, you choose to fall in love with that person again. 

Why did I just say choose? I ran into an amazing saying a few weeks ago, it stated that you cannot help who your attracted to, but you do choose who you love. Scientifically speaking, when we are attracted to someone, our body releases certain chemicals that cause us to feel, act and think in a certain way. We don’t consciously tell our body to release those chemicals we just do it, naturally! That sounds amazing doesn’t it? However, why is it that the case is different when it comes to love? Why is it that people say they are no longer ‘in love’? That is because often times we mistake attraction, or sexual tension for love. Love as already depicted earlier in article goes much deeper than just surface attraction. It is about the complete acceptance of another person. This crosses physical barriers into the emotional, and mental. Which although still involving chemicals, it is controlled by our conscious thought. Therein lies the key difference. We choose to say yes, to be married to this one person for the rest of our lives. We choose to say yes to the fact that when things go wrong, we will stay by their side. That is a major commitment that should not be taken lightly.

I believe (myself included), that we are guilty of allowing the media (books, movies, series, adverts) to affect our perception of love. It is depicted generally speaking, as either love at first sight, or love during a weekend, that involved some trial that was overcome. Or it was a whirlwind romance, that ended in tragedy. These movies are created to entertain. Whilst they make us feel all giddy and inspired inside, they do nothing to help us with the real world. In my opinion, more often than not, that concept of love does not exist, if it does, it does not last, and even then, only very few people have been able to attain it, especially in the 21^st century with our changing morals, perceptions, technological advances and various other distractions.

Therefore, as much as love can mean different things to different people, something has been made very clear to me - love is a major commitment. If people focus on the fact that love is a choice, they will realise when the chips are down that they chose to love this person, to be with this person, to share a life with this person, and they might just try a little harder to make things work.

All pictures are taken from Google. Georgette Monnou reserves no rights to the images used. 

Genesis

Lately, I have been reading my blog posts from two years ago (back when my blog first started). I remember the day so well. I was thinking about my country Nigeria, and what I could do to help in my own little way. I thought about reaching out to people by writing about current issues that faced Nigeria, often proffering solutions hoping that it would start dialogue. With so much to talk about and so much on my mind, I began to write. Shortly after finishing my first ‘blurb’ I thought about starting a blog. It has been an amazing experience writing articles and getting my opinions out there, but most importantly hearing people talk about issues I raised. It was the dream and it has been incredibly humbling.

You might be wondering why I have decided to read my old posts. I am thinking about revamping my blog to come up with brand new concepts that can hopefully get more of you involved. I am already bursting with ideas and as a person, who moves quickly and by passion; I am quite surprised at myself.

A) That I haven’t told you everything I have planned (I’m trying hard not to) and

B) The new site wasn’t up yesterday.

I am learning to take my time; there is no real rush… I hope you are as excited as I am! In order to make sure the content I put out there is what you will enjoy, please comment below telling me what you would like to see on the blog. E.g. Lifestyle posts, interviews, vlogs etc. 

Lastly, it is amazing how much we grow and evolve as human beings. There was a time in my life when I could not write a letter without a million mistakes, using the wrong word or phrase. No letter was ever sent off without my mama cross checking everything. However, so much changed at University, and I can thank the Law for that. So when looking back at my old posts, it was a crazy feeling, because some of them I would never publish now! My writing style has changed, my opinions have changed, and at the end of the day it is testament to my growth.

P.S. Sometimes in life, you need to learn to appreciate yourself for where you are in your life now, look at how far you have gone. You have gained new skills, experience, talent or emotional strength.

I think we are sometimes our own biggest critic, learn to appreciate yourself - #selfappreciationday

Guest Post: A Letter to my Unborn Child

2.30 am. The cramps started, intermittent at first then full blown. You see, I was inexperienced, but of course I had to be calm. Although my insides were falling apart at an alarming rate, I eased your mother into the car and sped through the Lagos highways never glancing at the speedometer nor sparing a thought for the other commuters on the road.

I was going to have a baby.

10.03 am. I had now been pacing around the reception room for the last few hours, I was tired, but today sleep was an unobtainable panacea as I was too anxious to even sit down for more than 5 minutes. The doctor was now approaching. You see, I am a lawyer and I have trained myself to detect the emotions behind the faces of my clients, the judges and the jury; but today was different, my emotions robbed me of the calm needed for this skill and I could read nothing from the straight serious face of the doctor as he approached. I could only think of the worst.

10.05 am. “Are you Mr. Mitchell Aghatise?” I sought to respond in the affirmative but I couldn’t muster a sound. My body obliged me to offer a slight nod and the doctor broke into the broadest grin. “Congratulations sir, you are the father of a bouncing baby girl; both mother and daughter are fine.” Oh what joy flooded me, “Can I see them?” I enquired, “Most certainly sir” was the reply. As I approached, my eyes saw the most beautiful person. As she looked up, I noticed she had my eyes and her mother’s nose, ‘an overwhelming emotion consumed me – love’ and I knew from that day onward I would always be there for her.

*

Dear Daughter,
You are a Nigerian; born in Lagos, when people say that you were unfortunate to have been born here, I will make sure that although aware of the challenges that people face growing up in this part of the world, it will be an experience alien to you. I vow to give you the best in life… Oh! But I will be careful; you won’t be proud or spoilt but graciously modest while privileged… My daughter, your dad will work hard. Because of you I will work tirelessly with you as my motivation to change the landscape of this country so that you and the grandchildren you will give me will live in a secure and safe country.

Dear Daughter,
Your experiences in life won’t be limited to Nigeria, but we will travel, I will show you the world; from Kenya to Malaysia from China to India from Atlanta to Indonesia from Argentina to Afghanistan.  A well-rounded individual is what you will be, a citizen of the world- versed in cultures and competitive in any sphere you find yourself.

My very own daughter, you are a reflection of me but beyond a mirror, you will be my perfect redefinition, you will be smart, and intelligent, not hanging on any man to be successful in life. Instead of being the video vixen of your life story, I think of you more as the record company director. That you are a woman is not a glass ceiling but a stepping stone to greatness… A pioneer for your generation leading the way for other women…

My Daughter,
I am not happy when your dreams are limited to the heights I have reached. Of course I am happy to be your example and a positive role model, but baby, you shall be even more; if the sky was my limit I need you to understand that the sky is  only the starting point for you.

My Daughter,
I will be there for you, through good times and bad, I know I will be difficult when boys start calling you late in the night, but understand that I have your best interests at heart. I pray daily that  I set a perfect example for the man you will choose, oh not someone who will devalue you but someone who will help you grow. when heartbreak comes; I see you strong and resilient, skilfully mending the pieces of your heart, with the firm belief that a setback is a set up for a comeback. You will be a lawyer like your dad, but if your passions lie elsewhere, I will not impose a career upon you. Whatever path you intend to chase greatness, that is the least I expect, that you find greatness or be safe in the knowledge that you gave it your all.

My Daughter,
Although I dread it, I accept that you will one day grow old and refuse to be called daddy’s little girl but one thing you should always know is that I will always love you, I will always be there for you…On a final note, life will hit you down but your trust in God will always take you through.Long after we leave this earth, if history is kind to me, my deepest wish is not that you are remembered only as my daughter but the tombstone should read:

“… Here she lies. A trailblazer in her own right”

By Mitchell Aghatise

______________________________________________________________________

Mitchell Aghatise is a final year Law Student at the University of Leicester. He is the past President of the Elevation Networks Society and an avid Debater. Very passionate about politics in his home country Nigeria, in his spare time, he writes poems and essays on political affairs.